Thursday, 20 January 2011

Day 01 - Your current relationship

DISCLAIMER: You've no idea how many times I've started writing, deleting and re-writing this. It's so difficult to put into words a description fit enough for... well.. for 'this'. And words are nothing but limiting.

All I had was a picture. A memory from a moment in my life where he didn't even play a big part. We were kids then, naive to the world and ready to go our separate ways. But someone took a picture of us together, sat in a blurry haze of smoke and the pungent smell of liquor, and that was all I can remember.

I chanced on that photo again and it's crazy. I remember the night perfectly and when my friend took the shot I've decided it was a special photo, it was a special night, he was a special boy. However, my false bravado and cynicism grabbed my fluttering thoughts of fancy and I was reeled back into the fact that in my ideal world, I was happy to coexist with all the lovers without getting a bit too close. He was just a boy in the photograph, nothing more. We barely talked. How can you feel something for someone you don't really know?

Years down the line, after a few naturally caused delays, I bumped into him again. It was pleasant - unsuspecting of anything that could transpire further than friendship. 'Hello' was traded in for long discussions about life and love in general; and although sparks didn't fly out until much later, I guess you can tell that he's made an impression. He became a good friend, a confidante, someone I can't seem to shake off my system that easily. Even now, the lack of proximity and the psychic distance are bridged by an understanding slightly too complex for definitions but altogether beautifully unique in its presence.

I can't exactly explain how it all fell into place and why he came to my life but I can tell you that there's something there. I can't really say when and where it started but I do know that I do not want it to end - not just yet. I can't tell you what's going to happen to us because it's surreal, like our experiences feel like scenes and subplots from a movie filled with twists and unpredictable turns.

All I know is that I found a really incredible guy. He's amazing in everything he does but is not too proud to be corrected and humble enough to admit when he's in the wrong. He's strong in his own way but he's not afraid to show weakness when things get a bit weary. He's not afraid to wear his heart on his sleeve and charm you into believing the possibilities of each step but he's a mystery of his own and every second is intriguing. He likes me and he thinks I'm pretty. I think he thinks he loves me, and though the very thought makes my insides go strange like lemon curd between sheets of phyllo pastry I think I can live with it.

Yes, there's a lot of uncertainties and yes, it feels too good to be true. But that said and absurdities aside, I do know that we kind of click. In some twisted miracle I found this amazing bloke amongst the many faces I've passed on the street and we actually fit well. Something just feels right and to be frank I am happy. I think he's happy too. And for now, that's all that matters. Right?

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

a memory from fall

I get into central way too early for my liking so I pop into an overrated cafe to kill time. The barista sees me and before one could even say ‘coffee’ he perkily screams in my ear that I am getting a flavoured cappuccino. I cringe and think that perhaps I’ve been wasting too much money on this place. It’s either that or I'm fucking predictable. Drink sorted, I go to my usual spot outside to watch the city wake up and harbour on people rushing about. I shiver as autumn creeps into London with a slight temperature drop. Here comes the chill, I think, sucking up the new morning with ten thousand cigarettes and a coffee way too sweet for my liking.

The BlackBerry blinks. It's M, koala bear personified from Sydney. He says he needs to talk so I call him. He was already quite miserable yesterday but he sounds really defeated today. You have to understand that this bloke is quintessentially Mr. Positive so this sporadic bout of drama is really... well... heavy. I listen to him vent; I listen to him curse his twisted fate. I think of telling him it'll be okay. I want to be there for him, to hold him and to tell him all the right things; I want to make the hurt brought about by a complex truth go away. However, it's one of those situations where listening is enough so I keep my mouth shut and my responses short to the usual 'uhms' and 'okays'. My heart bleeds knowing he's broken. Him and a handful of people I care about. And I can't do much about it because I'm so far away.

I say goodbye and get to the office just in time. I soldier through the working day with a heavy heart and a robotic stare until I see the time. Wow. Where did the day go? I shut down at 5.30 on the dot with a strong urge to get a drink. Just one, I think. Just the one.

I walk into my local and D, my favourite bartender, welcomes me with a lychee martini. He says in his adorable Genoan accent 'I kno dat's what yoo want becaws dat’s what you drink first lalala’. I graciously accept, forgetting that I actually wanted an espresso martini in the first place but his Italian charm worked wonders. And the drink was spot on. Too spot on that I order another one. And another one after. It's never just the one in that place. I leave after the fifth cocktail. Something with balsamic vinegar. And strawberries. It's still a school night after all and I'm expected to behave. Oh, okay then. A shot for the road.

I'm home late and my housemates are snoozing. I traipse to my room and swim under my duvet to find warmth and I wish I had someone over. I remember B. I remember coming home to a nice dinner, warm open arms and a good conversation for three and half years til it was all finally over this year. Did I really give all that away? Am I happy giving all that away? You see my life was going down a clear path up until the breakup, but I guess at the time I was unclear whether I wanted to go down that path at all.

Quite frankly, there's no turning back now so it's really pointless to stress much on it. When I called it off I said I had to find my independence first because I can't be with anyone unless I'm able to catch myself too. He called me selfish. Ironically I thought it was actually a selfless act to give up someone and something comfortable even though it meant breaking his heart and mine. But I think I made the right decision because despite the scary idea of not being domestic enough, for the first time in ages, like my old self.

My eyes feel heavy and I'm in between sleeping and waking up. I yawn with the last thoughts of the night. I'm slightly at a loss and I begin to wonder whether I'm the right person I need to be. Then again, I live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world with opportunities at my doorstep. Maybe there is something good here. Maybe I’m getting there. Who knows. Maybe.